Oh my God.
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Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.