oh my god
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My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won鈥檛 sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it鈥檚 kermit the frog鈥檚 birthday
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I鈥檓 here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.馃寧鉂わ笍
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I鈥檓 more interested in talking about the roles you AREN鈥橳 playing.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
cop: I鈥檓 giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store