oh my god
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Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
I feel it
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back