Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts

[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*

“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”

-fuse box on a power trip.

[Arriving in Hell]

*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.

With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?

*shoots kneecap*

How bout now?

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

[a boomerang is thrown at me]

me: oh no holy frickin crap !

[one second later]

me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT