oh my god
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if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Salad is the decaf of food.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
