Oh. My. God.
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CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
What
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
one week till the election
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*