“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
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[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.
My body: I want donuts.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
[eulogy]
line?
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
channeling her this year
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?