“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
You Might Also Like
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
lmao
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call