“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
You Might Also Like
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.