Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
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if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Honey I made you some hotdog water
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”