Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
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All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.
I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Batman v Dracula
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?