Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
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How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
How dude HOW?!
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.