Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
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Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
