Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
You Might Also Like
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I love twitter
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
#parenting
Peace was never an option
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
This anagram machine is out of order.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
not seeing the problem
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Google Pay be like:
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could