Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.

My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.

Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR

Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

oh, you’re in a situationship?

are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

GF: …I’m pregnant

ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope