Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
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Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Monday
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think