DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
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I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.