Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
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BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick