Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
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Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
“I FIXED IT!”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.