“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
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I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
i prefer mine room temperature.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes