Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
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When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Wake me when AI does housework
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Optional boss fight.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.