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@tangledteatime

Me: Alright. Does everyone have their parachutes?

Paul: Yup.

Dave who sometimes lies for fun: *giggling* Yah.

@SarcasticAlly12

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

@WesTheFatKid

Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.”

…… apparently.

@joeljeffrey

I didnt know how to tell this guy at Home Depot his fly was down… and he didnt know how to say thanks when I tried to help him zip it up.

@samalmightysam

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

@TheDreamGhoul

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

@TheHyyyype

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!

@brennadine

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.