Me: Alright. Does everyone have their parachutes?
Dave who sometimes lies for fun: *giggling* Yah.
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“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.”
I didnt know how to tell this guy at Home Depot his fly was down… and he didnt know how to say thanks when I tried to help him zip it up.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
In hell, your coworker never finishes opening a wrapper.