Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.

joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece

LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone

SERVER: you’re a DOG

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

oh good, now I can stop drinking

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.

happy mother’s day❤️

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

Me: Do you remember when I told you-

Husband: No.

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything

Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*

[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.