“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
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I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Mad Max: Furry Road
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?