“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
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her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
i hope my email finds you on fire
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.