Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign

me: you were supposed to draw me one shape and divide it into equal shares….I see 5 cookies and…what are these?

student: dragons

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced

the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.

me, angry: I’m LEAVING-

doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

the chicken was already gone when I got here

I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me