Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.

[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.

I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment

ME: finally a program for me

Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.

We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology

my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.

*pogo stick inventor* I got you.

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

I’m giving up for Lent.

Life with a cat in one tweet

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

10 CVS receipts.

Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.

Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?

Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!

ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!

FAMINE: What did you expect?

ME: lol

WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!

ME: you want a sugar cube?

FAMINE:… Yes

I like crazy people until they notice me

Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.