Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.

I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

“Have you met my other half?”

– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me

Graphic novels are awesome if you need your kids occupied for 7.5 minutes at the cost of $30.

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall

Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.

Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.

i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it

professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

sistine chapel

I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.

Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.