“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
You Might Also Like
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
