“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
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With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
this is me
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”