OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
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son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Basically.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
respect
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)