Funny how you can tell a child Santa is made up and they accept it immediately, but you tell an adult God is made up, and they throw a fit.
“Oh my god, it’s a genie!”
GENIE: Please, we prefer magic-american
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My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
WIFE: Guess what?
WIFE: Guess who said their first words today?
ME: He didn’t!
WIFE: Yes he did
ME: This is amazing, what did the dog say?
WIFE: I was talking about your son
ME: He said a whole sentence?!!
I’ve been washing my hair with Ranch dressing for 13 years because the bottle doesn’t say not to do that.
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Guy at the gym had “True Gentleman” tattooed on his arm. I was about to make fun of him, but he held the door for me as I left. Great guy.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people