If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
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[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am