@NicestHippo

“Oh my god, it’s a genie!”
GENIE: Please, we prefer magic-american

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@kidphonic

Funny how you can tell a child Santa is made up and they accept it immediately, but you tell an adult God is made up, and they throw a fit.

@lmegordon

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

@dog_feelings

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

@junejuly12

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: Guess what?
ME: What?
WIFE: Guess who said their first words today?
ME: He didn’t!
WIFE: Yes he did
ME: This is amazing, what did the dog say?
WIFE: I was talking about your son
ME: He said a whole sentence?!!

@PastorBate

I’ve been washing my hair with Ranch dressing for 13 years because the bottle doesn’t say not to do that.

@DawleyGirl

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

@DepecheALAmode

Guy at the gym had “True Gentleman” tattooed on his arm. I was about to make fun of him, but he held the door for me as I left. Great guy.

@Fred_Delicious

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people