“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
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Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
R.I.P.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.