“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
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Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Just ordered me some pizza!
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.