@Zwolf666

Oh my god, killer snails are after us. Walk. Walk for your lives.

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@qqnqui

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

@LarrysTwin99

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

@pleatedjeans

“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner

@Dildo_Hitler

*sees Arnold Schwarzenegger working at Walmart*
“hey Arnold, kitchen appliances are toward the back of aisle B right?”
“YES. AISLE B, BACK”

@DannyZuker

Thank you for saying, “I’m just being honest” after that horrible thing you just said. I feel better now that I know you meant it.

@Cheeseboy22

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

@DrakeGatsby

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

@KKBowls

I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, ‘what do you have to tell me?’ he said, ‘I don’t know, never made it this far’

@SadieSkyNinja

[if my cat tweeted]

When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.