@Zwolf666

Oh my god, killer snails are after us. Walk. Walk for your lives.

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@ShortSleeveSuit

WIFE: I’m pregnant

ME: oh god no

WIFE: I’m kidding

ME: I heard you the first time

@TheAndrewNadeau

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

@KateWhineHall

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

@KateWhineHall

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

@CrankyPappy

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

@chuuew

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

@mattZillaaaa

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

@ceejoyner

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

@AnOrangeSNES

Amazon review: Amazon river
?????

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.