Oh my god, killer snails are after us. Walk. Walk for your lives.

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Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.


My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen


“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner


*sees Arnold Schwarzenegger working at Walmart*
“hey Arnold, kitchen appliances are toward the back of aisle B right?”


Thank you for saying, “I’m just being honest” after that horrible thing you just said. I feel better now that I know you meant it.


Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.


doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome


I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, ‘what do you have to tell me?’ he said, ‘I don’t know, never made it this far’


[if my cat tweeted]

When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.