[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
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saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.