@Zwolf666

Oh my god, killer snails are after us. Walk. Walk for your lives.

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@pilau

me: I love jalapeños

boss: same

me: we’re palapeños 🙂

boss: you’re fired

@miller_tm

Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!

@junejuly12

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

@AndyAsAdjective

guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

@generaldietz

lifeguard: can you describe the thing that touched you?

me: yea…it was like a wet wind chime made out of wieners

lifeguard: a squid?

@hunz74

I don’t worry when two shopping carts are stuck together, I just go with it and use both…or three. Today I had a row of ten.

@dlockw21

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

@donni

MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!

@SirEviscerate

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

@recoveringbapti

The word “Diputseromneve” may look ridiculous, but backward it’s even more stupid…