me: I love jalapeños
me: we’re palapeños 🙂
boss: you’re fired
Oh my god, killer snails are after us. Walk. Walk for your lives.
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Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
lifeguard: can you describe the thing that touched you?
me: yea…it was like a wet wind chime made out of wieners
lifeguard: a squid?
I don’t worry when two shopping carts are stuck together, I just go with it and use both…or three. Today I had a row of ten.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
The word “Diputseromneve” may look ridiculous, but backward it’s even more stupid…