WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Oh my god, killer snails are after us. Walk. Walk for your lives.
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Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Amazon review: Amazon river
DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.