Oh my god, killer snails are after us. Walk. Walk for your lives.

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WIFE: I’m pregnant

ME: oh god no

WIFE: I’m kidding

ME: I heard you the first time


Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.


I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.


I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.


I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.


[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”


Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.


For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.


Amazon review: Amazon river

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.