Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
You Might Also Like
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
This 4th of July, please remember…
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Teach your children to beatbox
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle