Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

“What’d you do this weekend?”

I was shooting craps.

“Oh you went to a casino?”

*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!

My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

My company promotes diversity

We’d never hire twins

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂

I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

this is 10/10 content no notes

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes buy one get one free coupon*

I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.