“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
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[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
