“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
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I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Deer are just ballerina dogs
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.