Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
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My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
WHY would you be happy about this?
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.