Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
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Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.