Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus

Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?

Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

My dog when she hears popcorn popping

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler

boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means

me: it must be Wednesday

i’m still crying at this

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”