Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
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[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.