Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
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Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.