Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
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Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all