Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
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“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Monday
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*