My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
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Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Air pods looking like an angry frog
accurate
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Stop sending me this shit.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.