Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.

Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?

Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”

Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”

Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

(Inventing bathroom stalls)

Guy: should the door touch the ground

Other guy: how would we see their shoes?

One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be

old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?

inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other

I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?