“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
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Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
i think we should see other cousins
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Who called it baking and not making love
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.