Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”

Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

911: what’s your emergency?

me: there’s a really loud fight next door

911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun

me: omg thank you

me when i see my girls butt

What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

War & Peace

People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way

Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.

Husband: This house is a prison.

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.

[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)

[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons

Me: This escape room is really hard.

Guard: I said lights out!

Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.