Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: You’ve changed.

Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.

Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations

Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.

Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.

My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

why isn’t he texting back

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”

Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.