Oh my god
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my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Saving my good tweets for marriage
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor