@pilau

oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven

You Might Also Like

@tracietom

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

@ReelQuinn

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

@Donnie_Fairburn

Women say they like a man in uniform but I’ve been wearing this naughty nurse outfit all day and not a single woman has approached me yet 🙁

@chuuew

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

@Kendragarden

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

@DaddyJew

If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done

@wickedimproper

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

@ohmygrapeness

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!