oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
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Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.