oh my gosh!!
You Might Also Like
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen