oh my gosh!!
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I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭