Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head

I hate everyone in front of me at this checkout line, everyone behind me is cool.

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha

Batman: *pulls out batarangs*

Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?

Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham

Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol

Batman: me too!

[both eye last carton]

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

IRL

I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

I was making a coffee in the office kitchen, and now a woman I work with calls me “Coffee Man!”

I have 1 coffee a day.

Offices are hell.

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school

15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?

Me: OVER SERVED!

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?

Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-

Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*

Him: *Drives away*

Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”