“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
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3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*