“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
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“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.