oh my gosh!!
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Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.