Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
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[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
A double negative is a big no-no.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.