“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
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Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
#NeverForget
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying