Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.

HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.

Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

I love you…

…r dog.

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok

Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.

Child: Turkey pancakes?!

Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.

Wife: I told you the bird was too big

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

about to have the best blueberries of my life

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

😂

My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack

Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.

The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

j o i m p

Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.