“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
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waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.