Oh no
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People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Natural selection at its finest
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.