Oh no 😂😂💔😭
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Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.