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*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.