Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.

LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit

Best correction of the day, if not ever:

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.

I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.

I think about this cartoon a lot.

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true

The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!

Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.

Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.