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Those βfree hugsβ people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtleβs armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Well, itβs finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: thatβs a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, itβs a pteranodonβ¦pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
βOne time God gave me a snack!β
β Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole βthis guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!β thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want youβre still drinking alone in your basement, man
βIβll never understand why people canβt sleep with a closet door openβ I say while making sure my feet donβt hang over the side of the bed.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to peopleβs houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
I donβt always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, itβs a Costco size box of blueberries
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I havenβt fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: Weβll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: Weβll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there wonβt be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
[packing for work trip]
βHoney, where is our business ketchup?β
no officer these drugs arenβt mine i stole them
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I donβt need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
crochet youtube is brutal
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
[calls work] Iβm sorry I canβt come into work today
βis everything alright?β
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Why didnβt Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?