Oh no ππππ
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Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABYβS COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
When weβre leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didnβt even use at least five times.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingSheβs yours now, plus you have a new car.
Choose a job you love and youβll never work a day in your life, because youβll never get that job.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no Iβm not letting that baby get stronger than me
Ughhβ¦7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friendsβ¦7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Iβm good, thanks.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Every time my phone rings
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the βdamnβ paprika
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him βhowβs my favorite son?β and from the next room the oldest son shouted βI heard that!β
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Me: School is delayed. Thereβs too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: β¦no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too manyβ
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: iβ
cop: you didnβt even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there