Oh no ππππ
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Sliding into her DMs like: βHiβ or βHeyβ.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: βItβs all gravy, baby.β
-Suave
-Well thatβs new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Scar didnβt murder Mufasa. Itβs a catβs natural instinct to knock things off ledges
My wife gives the best headache.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first nameβscrew you. Iβm calling you what Iβve been calling you for the last 10 years.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but theyβre expensiveβyou want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
-Brain: Too expensive, youβll never wear it. Donβt buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I think abs are for guys that donβt have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Him: Iβd take a bullet for you
Me: Iβll allow it.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
βKids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, sheβs not herself.β
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, Iβm able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Oh youβre sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know whoβs sick.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodingerβs cat.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol