Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
